An awkward phonce all turned nice

My last real relationship was with someone who was younger than me in age but older than me in mind. It's almost been two years since that ended. I can't believe I have been at a standstill for so long. I mean, date wise, I have dated more than anyone I know, but I have not had the energy to follow through with anyone and actually try to have a relationship with them. I just don't think I am mentally ready for a relationship. I mean, who doesn't want to be settled and in one, but I just don't think I am there yet. Not to toot my own horn, but I have had a lot of interest expressed towards me from good candidates, but I just don't open up and let them in.

Every time I get the call from him, it shakes things up a bit in my life. The calls always happen around the time I am thinking of him randomly.....I just unpacked a box with a photo of him in a frame in it. Then the call. It makes me happy that he is happy in life and that everything is working out for him the way he planned it out. He always knew what he wanted, he went for it, found it and is now making it work.

But then the phone call always turns back to my hiv status. I think there was a bit of trauma on his part when it all happened. He is always worrying about me and himself. If I were him, I would be exactly the same. It's just hard to dig up the old memories and think about when, how, who.........I just really don't know for sure and I think I have made peace with that. At least I think I have, until it all gets questioned again.

No matter how sincere I really do feel about his happiness, there is always still a part that wants to prove to him that I am doing just as well, and when I haven't had a decent relationship since him, it is hard to do. I know life isn't all about relationships, but to me it is so important, especially now. I don't want to be alone but I don't want to make an effort.

I'm in limbo right now. I just moved to a new city, have a job, but not one that I planned to have when I got here....and am still defining relationships with my friends. I just find it hard to make time to date someone when things in my life are not as stable as they could be or should be.

Listen, if you ever end up reading this.....I really do appreciate the calls and they make me happy. They make me sad too, but I still want them. So, thanks for calling.